I've had a lot of conversations about emotions this week, and I find myself repeating this universal truth about them. It surprises many clients to know just how significant our emotional experiences are and the important signals embedded in them.
Because emotions can be so intense, we can sometimes feel as though they'll crush us. We convince ourselves that we'll never feel differently, that things will never get better, or that the experience will swallow us whole. It's incredible how physical, consuming, and overwhelming our emotions can be.
It makes logical sense that so much of the work in the mental health profession revolves around changing our emotional states. We talk about "emotional control", "emotional management", and "emotional regulation". I cringe when I hear these terms. Not because of the intention behind the interventions, but because of the implications for our clients and for our society as a whole.
Our emotions are an incredibly important part of the human experience. The goal shouldn't be to make them shut up, quiet down, or disappear. The goal should be to understand them, receive the information they're communicating, and take appropriate steps to create healthier, happier, and more connected lives. Avoiding, and denying our emotions has a cost. Disconnection, not just from our basic human instincts and experiences but from each other. In summary, our inability to first experience, then listen to and understand our emotional states can directly affect our ability to make healthy choices for ourselves.
One of my favorite emotions to explore is anger. Anger is often the black sheep of the emotional family. I do love a black sheep. Anger is misunderstood. It gets a bad reputation because of the instincts attached - how it makes us behave and react, but anger is also one of our most powerful communicators. It illuminates something that feels wrong. It can signal that a boundary has been crossed, that we've been mistreated, that something is unfair, or that an old wound has been activated.
In other words, anger often has something important to tell us.
This is why I think the concept of anger management can be antithetical to what healthy anger processing actually requires. Managing anger shouldn't mean learning how to suppress it, dismiss it, or make it go away. It should mean learning how to understand it and respond to what it signaling to you.
Healthy anger processing involves sitting with the feeling and reflecting on what happened. It means acknowledging the boundary that was crossed, whether in the current situation or in a pattern of similar experiences. It means asking ourselves: What needs to change? What can I do to address the actual problem? What boundaries do I need to establish? What behaviors am I no longer willing to tolerate?
Resisting the urge to react impulsively when we're flooded with cortisol and adrenaline is also important. Being able to pause, breathe, and sit with our anger is an essential ingredient.
Anger is a call for self-protection. For self-advocacy. For establishing boundaries. For saying no. For making different choices. One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is the experience of self-protection: knowing that we can recognize when something isn't okay and doing something about it.
I recognize that this is much easier said than done. Setting boundaries, advocating for ourselves, and changing relationship dynamics can be incredibly difficult. And to that, I often say: Choose your hard.
But in our everyday lives, when emotions show up, I want to invite you to consider a different perspective. Instead of immediately asking, "How do I make this feeling go away?" try asking, "What is this feeling trying to tell me, and what do I need to do for myself?"
You might discover that your emotions aren't something standing in the way of your healing.
It might be pointing you toward it.
In abusive relationships, setting boundaries or attempting to assert yourself can be dangerous. These situations require a different approach, and I strongly encourage seeking specialized support to navigate them safely.